Start: Giancarlo Fisichella takes the lead ahead of Jarno Trulli and Mark Webber
Over the Wall

Formula Mosley
2005-03-21
Burd Phillips

Warning: Handle with care! What you are about to read may twist your perception of reality, or may not have any correlation at all with real people or real events. Unless, of course, you are reading this in an alternate universe with a different version of reality, in which case all bets are off. Don't say you weren't warned ...


As I sat contemplating the Formula One starting grid prior to the season opening race in Australia, I began to feel a very uncomfortable sensation in the pit of my stomach. I got up and went to the bathroom, but when I came back the uncomfortable feeling was still there. What the hell was I looking at? A Toyota on the front row? The struggling Jacques Villeneuve sitting P4 in a Sauber? Was Christian Klien really quicker than the likes of Michael Schumacher, Kimi Raikkonen, Rubens Barrichello, Fernando Alonso and Juan Pablo Montoya?


Obviously something wasn't quite right. This Frankenstein of a lineup was not a result of the natural order of things in F1, but rather a freakish fabrication created by FIA President Max Mosley with a little help from the Aboriginal rain gods. Mosley had finally succeeded in his tireless quest to "shake up the grid." One can only imagine what other sorts of shakeups the FIA's mad scientist has in store for our beloved sport.

Once you're done with your imagining, please rejoin the article at the next sentence.

All done? Good. Now for the facts. Being a hack writer, I have access to a marvelous little thing called an "inside source." Yes, that's right. While you sit around blinking and imagining a bunch of nonsense, I actually know what Mosley is planning. Fortunately for you, I am willing to risk my own personal financial and physical wellbeing to share this information with the rest of the world. But be forewarned -- it isn't pretty.

From the desk of Max Mosley, FIA President
Proposed Changes for the 2006 Formula One World Championship

1) Engines will be restricted to eight cylinders and must be powered by my Aunt Zapora's delicious homemade mayonnaise. Refueling rigs will be replaced with giant spatulas.

2) All mechanics must be named "Karl." This will drastically improve safety in the pitlane in the event of a fire. Instead of the team managers having to call out to each mechanic individually to warn him or her of a fiery outburst, they can just yell, "Look out, Karl! There's a fire!" and everyone will immediately spring into action at once.

3) Qualifying will consist of 13 separate single-lap sessions, with the final session taking place immediately after the race has been completed. Each driver will roll a pair of 13-sided dice to determine which two of his laps will count toward his final qualifying time. This time will be calculated by multiplying the sub-numeric cotangent of the driver's first selected lap by the Hippocratic square root of his second selected lap divided by my pants size. In the event that I am not wearing any pants, my shoe size will be used instead.


4) To clarify and enhance the team radio broadcasts, drivers will be required to make their own racing noises at all times. The following sound effects will be used: straightaway sound (EEEEEYYYYOOOWWWW!!), cornering sound (RRRRRUUURRRRCH!!), rumble strip sound (BRDBRDBRDBRDBRD), and the running over the foot of the lollipop guy while exiting the pit box sound (SSSCCCRREEEE-GRUNCH-AAUGGHH!).

5) Charlie Whiting, the current FIA Formula One race director, will be replaced by Mr. Peckit, the invisible transsexual rooster that lives behind my left knee.

6) The team that achieves the lowest combined finishing positions during each race will be responsible for cleaning my pool the following weekend.

7) Pre-race drivers' meetings will begin with me sitting alone behind a large table at the front of the room. The table will be completely empty save for a large red telephone. I will make a fake ringing sound, pick up the receiver and say into it with an exaggerated Swedish accent, "Yar? No! Truly? Sorry, but we don't want any." I will then hang up the phone. Everyone in the room will laugh hysterically for at least 60 seconds while I good-naturedly try to calm them down so we can start the meeting. Jarno Trulli will look somewhat abashed at first, but he will eventually come around and laugh harder than anyone else, realizing what a great joke it was.

8) Each driver's underpants must last for the duration of five races. If a driver suffers a "blowout" during an event and fails to see the checkered flag as a result, he may wash his underpants without penalty providing he doesn't use too much bleach. Two cups is more than enough for even the toughest ground-in stains.

9) Jean Todt will wear a traditional Bavarian dancing dress and a blonde pigtailed wig. I will call him "Froo-Froo" and we will hold hands while traipsing through the woods and... (We can't print the rest of that one because it becomes rather lewd, but you get the general idea.)




There are 4,622 more suggestions in this document, the last half of which intricately detail Mosley's plans to construct a deep-sea retirement facility for invisible transsexual roosters. Is it any wonder that only one of the ten team bosses (Jean Todt) showed up for his latest proposal meeting in late January?

Midway through the 2004 season, Mosley announced on a whim that he was going to step down from his post as FIA President after the final race in October. For some strange reason the FIA senate convinced him to stay on. If he offers to split again this year, I'm assuming no one will stand in his way. Who, then, would take his place?

I personally recommend David Coulthard. Yes, that's right, David Coulthard. He did a pretty good job of pointing out the obvious regarding the state of F1 in an interview following the Australian GP. I particularly liked his idea of returning to the old qualifying format with the proviso that each driver must run at least one lap every 15 minutes in order to cut down on dead track time. This is the same concept that a certain hack writer outlined in an article for motorsport.com almost two years ago.
 
- posted by Michael P. Whelan @ 8:30 PM